The WaitinG GaMe

So... even though... we are trying again and even though we have lost three in a row and even though my husband is LEAVING FOR A YEAR!?!....WAIT... I DON'T REMEMBER IF I TOLD YOU ALL THAT?? HE DEPLOYS FOR A YEAR ON JUNE TENTH.. ON THE DAY OF OUR TEN YEAR ANNIVERSARY... TO THE DESERT... 

So... we just booked a Royal Caribbean cruise to the Eastern Caribbean for May. We can't guarantee I'll be pregnant by then. We sure hope so, but I'm tired of living in fear and regret. Two of the three islands are safe, one of them though, has of course, had a case of Zika. IF the news gets totally out of control before then, we may reconsider, but for now... we are taking this trip because we NEED the time together, the experience. He booked the biggest cruise ship in the world because, as I found out, he is afraid if he doesn't do it now, he might not ever (physically hurt, paralyzed, killed... you know, no big deal if your husband is scared that can happen right........ )

*BREATHE*

No pressure. Not only do we have maybe 4 months left of trying, but it actually has to stick and grow, and then don't even get me started on all the comments I've gotten on "Wouldn't you be better off waiting until he gets back to have a baby?" NO. No I won't. Physically yes maybe, but I can get help from family. Emotionally, nothing can fill the void of one year of not even being able to try ticking by. 

I'm on day 16 dpo and no period. No spotting. No signs of pregnancy or not pregnancy. Just waiting. The longer it takes, the more I freak out that I'll only have three months instead of 4. Negative tests two days ago, haven't tested since. It's just taking a long time to get here. I don't get why but I swear I'm not pregnant. The only time I've spotted was on 9dpo, which I thought was implantation. 

But no. No I am not pregnant. Temperature dips and no symptoms whatsoever. 

Tick Tock. Tick Tock. . . 

Starting Over

New OB doctor yesterday. That's right. After mistreating my thyroid I won't be going back to the previous clinic. In fact, all week my family practice office was trying to collect my past lab records from said past doctor, after finding out the miscarriage labs were not included in the full record requested, we became suspicious. After being told one day the records lady was out and the next day both were sick and my appointment time was approaching, I decided just to drive straight to the lab with ID in hand and request all labs. Sure enough they were there. And wouldn't you know!? The labs my said past doctor told me were normal four months ago, come to find out two of the labs were not normal but HIGH!??? WHAT??? So, in summary, they took a normal lab and told me it was abnormal and put me on medication that caused hyperthyroidism and the abnormal labs they told me were normal. WHY??.... Good question but I haven't felt like talking to them yet so they don't know I know and they don't know I'm going to a new OB and that's how I'd like to keep it for now.

So new OB. He was amazing! I spent one minute in the waiting room, 1 hour 15 minutes visiting with the doctor, 10 minutes doing an exam, and 10 minutes drawing labs. Contrary to popular belief or anyone's opinions, this OB gave me the green light on trying again, right away, as in, not even waiting one cycle. What!?! He told me while we wait for my thyroid to regulate and we wait for labs to come back, there is no reason that he can see why I shouldn't be pregnant and why my chances to carry to term are any less now than they would be in months from now. Also, any condition I test positive for in the labs will be able to be treated during pregnancy and anything I have now developed is nothing we can prevent but only treat, should I become pregnant. He also agreed that surgery was definitely not necessary at this time. Having had three babies, he says that is the last thing that can change so suddenly as to cause the miscarriages.

This appointment gave me new meaning, new hope, and a new start. No matter what we find with the labs, I believe I am in good hands. My insurance doesn't cover REs and at this point with everything I went through with supposedly a very good fertility high risk specialty clinic, clearly that didn't pan out very well. So I am grateful to be in competent hands. I feel a relief and a heavy burden lifted. I feel as though I really do have a good chance.

This last miscarriage, regardless of other issues, I now firmly believe could have been prevented had they not totally screwed up my thyroid and if they would have fixed the blood disorder and immunological issues prior to just suggesting surgery (had they told me in the first place what my labs were!)

...And one more makes FOUR...More Angel Babies Than Earthly Babies

THIRD LOSS...THIRD BABY...IN A ROW... FOURTH LOST TOTAL...SEVENTH PREGNANCY...6.5WEEKS

 1 miscarriage, followed by three live births, followed by three miscarriages...

I am 31. In 2009 I miscarried at 9 weeks, blighted ovum. A year later, after one  cycle of clomid I became pregnant and carried IUGR to 37 weeks baby boy 4lb 14 oz. 6 months later I became pregnant with my second baby boy carried to term 39 weeks and six months later became pregnant with my third boy at 40 weeks. My three healthy sons are 15 months apart. Did what I consider stupid and got the implanon put in my arm after the third. We discussed waiting two years to try again but by one year we were ready to try, took it out, and it took seven months to conceive. I miscarried at 11 weeks. This was in March.

4 months later I conceived and miscarried again at 11 weeks in September. This time blood work was drawn for TSH antibodies, blood clotting factors, etc. Baby was tested and it was a boy, with Trisomy 15. was told I have mild hypothyrodism. Put on T3.

Dr. recommended laparoscopy and hsg which we scheduled. A month before surgery we cancelled because I've never had endometriosis symptoms, really don't think I have it, and didn't want invasive surgery. We decided after fixing my thyroid and getting it regulated, and the fact that it was a chromosome abnormality and nothing could have been done, we cancelled pending surgery and decided to give it another go. I found out on Christmas day I was pregnant. HCG went from 115 to 384 in about a week, then in two days it went to 386. At this point I knew I was doomed. Ultrasound same day showed nothing. Friday.No sac, no baby, not even the black ovum thing where pregnancy would be. My OB made me wait over the weekend and the desk lady over the phone told me to take my progesterone shot just in case. WHAT?! I've been through this before, I knew that was pointless. So I didn't. On the following Tuesday my HCG was 364 and Wednesday I started cramping, then bleeding.

This third miscarriage was short lived and I miscarried last week, at 6.5 weeks. Funny thing is this pregnancy I actually felt pregnant. My progesterone (last two pregnancies was 8 and 13 consecutively) was 30! (I was on progesterone shots all three). So it was a surprise, to say the least. Dr. ordered my T4 to be drawn and it was low, so Dr. prescribed synthroid 50 mcg in addition to T3. 

My sister in law is a pediatric endocrinologist and has always been skeptical of T3 prescription. I went to my family practice doctor to check labs (behind obs back) and sure enough, found out my tsh was  .03.  YES POINT ZERO THREE. low is like .4 . Also found out after 4 months of T3 prescription, my t4 was still the same at .55.  Had family practice doctor request ob records. I never did see the Thyroid labs from four months ago until this week, after the miscarriage. Lo and Behold... MY THYROID LABS WERE ALL WITHIN NORMAL LIMITS!!! My reverse t3 ratio was slightly low but my T4 and TSH and FT4 and everything was perfect. My numbers were grreat. SO immediately tell my sis in law and she says to stop taking T3 immediately and see an endocrinologist. SO i did. And that Dr. told me to stop everything, don't take thyroid meds, I never had an issue in the first place and now the medicines (my dr.) has caused me to develop hyperthyroidism.  My OB still does not know I am not taking either of their prescribed medications nor that I received second and third opinions. 

NOW I Have to wait for my thyroid to regulate itself back to normal and pray that's possible. Can't say for sure with my history, but seems to me this pregnancy definitely didn't make it because my thyroid was whacked up. 

 I can find a lot of info on recurrent miscarriage but very  little on recurrent miscarriage AFTER repetitive live births. So what gives? 

4 main causes of miscarriage:

1. Uterus structure, abnormalities (Counting myself out as I've carried three to term)

2. auto immune, NK cells, etc. Again, carried to term but can you later develop this???

3. blood clotting factors (supposedly labs were negative, and I did take baby aspirin with all my pregnancies).

4. Chromosomal: Yes, I did have that proven as one pregnancy was but what about the rest? Is 31 really starting to get old for bad egg quality? Maybe I'm naive to think I still had a few good years left? 

Truth be told, I looked at my OB records that were faxed to my family practice doctor and discovered none of the miscarriage lab work was in there, aside the thyroid panel. Why wouldn't that be in my file? Curious. ANd why did they put me on T3 when I didn't have a thyroid issue to begin with and no one supposedly prescribes that anymore? 

I am on woebenzyme N now. In the previous successful and non successful pregnancies I took baby aspririn, folic acid plus prenatal, b6, b12. I am adding D to this one, I've taken coq10 on and off and am taking it now, also DHEA. While I'm awaiting to get pregnant again, i'm doing red raspberry leaf tea, I will be cutting back on caffeine. 

I have around 30 day periods and they are generally pretty light. My Luteal Phase seems good. I never needed progesterone during my three healthy pregnancies and the only times i ever took shots was when I miscarried which might just be coincidence but I'm skeptical. I've vowed not to take shots again I can barely handle them and do take suppositories and this time around I am getting the progesterone cream. I feel like my OB clearly doesn't know what they are doing even though they are supposed to be the best and I'm in the market for a new one. Even after three in a row I still don't feel like surgery is necessary. I'm willing to go through more miscarriages to catch a good pregnancy.

Wish I lived in London, I'd go to the miscarriage clinics. anything like that in US? 

I had a relative tell me that maybe it's a sign God has completed our family and we should stop trying. Don't tell people in my situation these things. This is not helpful. Not at all. You think I'm going to give up? No. This only makes me more determined. Also, if you've had one miscarriage, don't tell me you know exactly how I feel. You don't. Not even close. Just FYI.