No More Baby

I'll have to come in later when I have the time and patience to write this all out. I've written some, but not for sharing. Not yet anyway. But I wanted to update and say that I did have a confirmed ultrasound of no heartbeat on Friday March 6, 2015. March 8th I miscarried naturally at home so thank God for that blessing of no D&C. March 12, just when I thought it was all over, the shock of my life came when I went to pee and instead passed the baby. My world turned upside down and I'm still processing everything. Went in for an emergency ultrasound same day to confirm (again) that everything has indeed passed. That night I got on a train to visit my grandma who has terminal cancer. Came home that Sunday night. Have had just barely a week to think things over. Now I write this after my husband has left for drill for the weekend. Now I just process, move on, and hope for the next time around. That's all I have to share for now.

Waiting...for clarity and wisdom (Only read after post below)

Monday was the day the world changed.

Tuesday: I call my primary care doctor. I talk to her second in command, physician's attendant or something like that. I tell her about Monday. I ask her if they perform D&Cs. I explain I'd prefer to go there, close to home, with the lady doctors I have grown to trust. She is very nice. Very understanding. Very agreeable. She asks me to call her back Friday after my appointment and let her know what we found out.

Later that day I start concerning myself with HCG levels. I wonder if it is in my best interest to go ahead and get one done so Friday we will have a base line to compare it too. I call back. I speak to a nurse this time. She tells me she will check with my doctor and call back. Hours later she does. She tells me that my doctor isn't comfortable ordering the test because I have not been to the office, I have been 'seeing other doctors' and they just 'don't know enough about my situation to help out.' Ummm...what??!! Shock. Blown away. Shouldn't be. I already know their communication has been terrible. I ask the nurse if she knows why I want my HCG. She doesn't. I tell her to watch the numbers to go down, because I did not have a heartbeat. She says Oh. She understands now. But she stands firm. She says my doctor doesn't feel comfortable. MY Doctor. The one who I went to months ago about even trying to get pregnant. The one who took my blood in those early weeks and said "Congratulations you're pregnant." The same doctor who knew I'd be gone for a couple weeks. Also, the same doctor who recommended I go see someone else for trying to conceive (which just so happened to be the doctor who took Monday's ultrasound because all those months ago I forgot to cancel that appointment and went anyway.) It would appear as though my doctor is offended I saw one, ONE other doctor. Frustrating.

So now it's Tuesday and I sit around waiting for Friday because I have no other choice and obviously my own doctor's office isn't going to help me. Friends call. Family calls. I ignore half of them and cut it short with the other half. I'm sorry. I really am. But if one more person asks me how I'm doing. How do you think I'm doing? I can't answer that. If I do it won't be a good answer and if I can't answer, it's because I literally can't answer because when I start to think about it my eyes well up with tears. I know you want to help. I get that. But for now I just wait. I sit.  I wait. You want to help? you want to talk? Then pray.

While I'm desperately trying to talk to my own doctor, guess who calls? My new doctor. My male doctor from Monday. He calls personally. Twice. Twice. To see if I'm okay. To discuss questions. To formulate a plan. I told you last time that I liked him. This verifies.

Wednesday: The goal of today is to get through it, get a nap in, and go to work in the evening because I am already scheduled. This plan mostly works. The nurse calls from the naprotechnologist's office to let me know she received my ultrasound results from 6 weeks and 4 days. Nothing from that ultrasound triggers read flags for the future impending doom. Except, as she was about to hang up she said, "Did you know you have a tilted (tipped, retro, inverted, heart shaped) uterus?" I told her yes but I hadn't thought about it for a while. She mentions if there's a septum in there it could be the cause to this. Even if this is not the case, it gets me thinking. I start by faxing the results to my new doctor so that he knows about this so we can discuss Friday. Also, for a D&C I started imagining him scraping the wrong way if everything is backward and that scared me so I figured I better let him know immediately.

My Uncle calls. My Grandma has terminal cancer. I knew that. We have planned a gathering in two more weekends. But she's not well. She's going downhill. The cancer has possibly spread to her brain. Things are changing quickly. I have to make sure I can get out there. How do I plan this when I don't know what will happen with myself? How do I contemplate two possible losses? Sorry my friends who keep asking if I want to talk. But I can't. So I write. And you read.

Thursday: Today I'm just frustrated and mad. I start researching. I think about my tilted uterus and decide to research. Lo and Behold I find a tiny bit of hope. Now, let me prep you by letting you know that I 1. Believe in miracles but 2. Am not holding my breath and 3. Am prepared for the very worst. But... false miscarriages are abundant due to tipped uterus and the baby or heartbeat hiding where the ultrasound cannot find. By 11 to 12 weeks a tipped uterus will usually straighten itself out as the weight and size pull it forward. Gullible naive little me didn't even know that false miscarriages exist. I mean, it makes a lot of sense to me now but it was never a thought in my world until today. Which brings me to my frustration. If there's a tiny itty bitty chance or spark of hope, I do not want to line up a D&C next week without being 110% positive I will not be hurting a living baby. How do I get my 110%? The obvious answer is just wait it out. If only it were that simple. Besides the impatience, lost time, life to live, etc. (all not the greatest reasons granted), the biggest worry is sit and wait for an infection. But how do you know? A second opinion? Two ultrasounds? Three? HCG? So now, here I had it all planned out and the 1 in a million stories are giving me second thoughts. I know, 1 in a million, but still...there's 1. I can't even think further right now until after the appointment tomorrow. My husband never saw the first ultrasound. He only has hope to go on. So he had me take a progesterone injection tonight. Because what if? The worst thing in the world would be to lose the baby because we thought we were going to lose the baby! So I did. I injected. Hardest one ever for so many reasons. I had trouble getting the guts to stab myself since I wasn't in the routine. I had to move it twice before closing my eyes and literally stabbing it in. Also, emotionally I am doing this for a baby that I have been told is not there. This makes me seem like a crazy person, especially when you take into account the amount of discomfort and pain that will follow the next three days with this shot. But I haven't had any bleeding. None. Cramping...well...maybe? Maybe phantom cramps. I think I have tiny little cramps and maybe just because I think I'm supposed too. Might be something else. I don't really know. I thought bleeding comes before cramping, which also makes me think it's in my head. But point being, had I not went to that appointment, I would still have every reason to believe I'm just as pregnant as I was the week before. This is frustrating.

I just want clarity. Wisdom. Let your yeses be yes and your nos be nos. Hot or cold but lukewarm I spew out of my mouth. Etc. etc. etc. Either show me a heartbeat or start the process body. I don't want to wait 2, 4, 6 weeks. I don't want to go through it but if it's going to happen, I just want it to be done.
So here I am waiting. For clarity. For wisdom. Just waiting. Dear Lord please show me.

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

First of all, let me do the shameful apology of explaining that I have not kept up to date and feel very bad about that. For several reasons but the main two are 1. My little Goose has been neglected in the blog world for I have not recorded his every perfect little thing for over a year and 2. My little Egg's story should have been started ten weeks ago and only now am I even mentioning him for the first time. So here we go... I'll try to get a little of each in and then I will attempt to keep up at least once a month, once again.


July 2014: My baby Elijah (Goose) is One! One year old! I cannot believe it. We decided this time around we would wait two years until trying again. But after getting pregnant every other time when the baby turned 5.5 to 6 months, we decided one year was long enough! Time to remove the Implanon and begin our trying to conceive journey for the fifth time. But this time, things were different. This time, we had to deal with birth control to leave the body and my body to return to normal. This time, I had periods 50 days long, irregular and random. This is not a good mix for an "impatient, I want to be pregnant now!" gal. August Passes. September Passes. Clomid makes its appearance to hopefully regulate me. October. November. Patience. Patience. Months. Trying. Failing. December. Christmas comes and goes. I decide to get a job to distract myself, to get myself out of the house a few nights a week, to have 'me' time and a little cash. I apply to the local BBQ joint. I am hired. I like it. It's fun. I socialize. I do well. We have one last attempt. January I pee on a stick. Lo and Behold! There's a BARELY THERE line, but a line yet the same! Seven months and a positive. Not bad. Not bad at all. The 'Egg' has made its appearance, we are pregnant! Now I am also working :/

I don't feel pregnant. I'm not sick. I'm always sick. This worries me. I go in. I request HCG and progesterone levels. HCG rises. This is good. This is positive. Progesterone is low. 11. This is bad. This is different. I have never had a progesterone problem in the past. What do I do? Lucky for me, I have a good friend who just so happens to be a fertility care practioner. She tells me my numbers are too low. She tells me to be seen immediately. I have not heard back from my doctor to tell me the same thing so I reroute things. I call the professionals in Omaha, the naprotechnologist. They see me the same day. They administer a progesterone injection. They send me home with an order of progesterone oil and some very long scary needles. From this day forth, I will inject myself in the backside with a shot every three days. This is okay. I can do this. I can endure this for my baby.

The shots hurt. Bad. The first one I almost pass out. I learn to lay on my side and inject. I learn to take my time pushing the thick liquid in. I learn a  heating pad is my best friend. I learn that if I do it wrong, I will not be walking for the next three days. Literally. They are that hard on me. Maybe this has to do with my back surgery. Maybe I am inserting wrong. Maybe I am just a wimp. I don't know. When I work, I take a vicoden and stay walking and standing and it's not so bad. When I come home and sit down in my chair, I cannot get out of it without help. I can barely put weight on my leg. I cannot roll out of my bed. This will be hard. This will be the hardest early pregnancy I've ever had. But I am still not sick. My husband says "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away" so maybe this time not being sick is a blessing. I can work through the first trimester.

At five weeks my HCG was 906. Four days later my HCG was 2,886. Good. Going up. Wonderful news. February 2nd I note that I am still not feeling sick, This still worries me in the back of my mind. February 9th I am in Colorado on a visit to see friends and family while my husband is on a submarine in the ocean out by Hawaii doing his two week 'deployment'. I have an Ultrasound today. My dear friend is with me. We wait forever. Finally we go in. The tech finds the baby right away and the yoke sac, we see a heartbeat! We see it! It's there, a live, growing baby! We are ecstatic. Happy. Relieved. 119 BPM. This is good. So good. Baby measuring four days smaller than what we thought. They date me 6 weeks 3 days instead of 7 weeks. I can deal. Implantation could be off. Doesn't matter. There's a heartbeat! Egg is thriving!

February 15:My right shoulder has been bugging me for six weeks. I think I slept on it wrong. It won't get better. I'm in so much pain from that, my back, and these shots I can barely move. I find a massage therapist. On a Sunday even! He grinds my back to a pulp. Can't say it helped. I think I asked for too much deep tissue.

February 21st: I'm home. Waiting for my husband's arrival home. I decide to chop off my bad hair dye brown job. Chop it all off. Like short. Dye it blonde. I love it! It's freeing. Easy. Sexy! ;)My friend takes the older boys for the night so I can rest a good night until Dave returns the next day. I slept the full night and did not wake up once!Amazing!

I'm taking baby aspirin, folic acid, prenatal, and progesterone. I have mostly cut out all coffee and caffeine. I have maybe one cup a week max. I increased my healthy foods intake, my milk. I get my progesterone measured again. 28, very good! Shots are working. I decide maybe it's time to go see the doctor again. My regular doctor did tell me to come see her once I got back.But I debate seeing her. I don't like how her staff never calls me back in an appropriate amount of time (four days?!) How the nurses call me back when I ask for the doctor to, and when I find out my results on my own days before the office calls me. I decide I need to check other options and maybe find someone to back her up in case there's issues (I already have low progesterone). So I schedule an appointment with a highly recommended male doctor further away, located at the same hospital Elijah was born at. I love that hospital so if I decide to deliver there it would be perfect.

March 2nd Appointment Day: I drive up early with all three boys. They are not the most obedient this morning. I have to drag Gus into the office. I am late. The lady at the desk has to tell me first that she has to go check to see if the doctor "will still see me." This sets me on edge. I drove an hour for nothing? She comes back and says he will. I am immediately taken back. We talk with the male nurse. He is good with the kids. He gets my history. Doctor comes in. I'm already a nervous wreck because 1. I am late, 2. my children are noisy and disobedient. He calms me. He has great bedside manner. He doesn't care about either. He is nice. I tell him my concerns about my original doctor. He is so nice. He says it is okay if I even just come up to see him once or twice more. He will do my 20 week ultrasound. I like him. I decide I'll keep him. I decide to ask one more silly question. How likely can you miss twins at six weeks? He says it's possible and if he wants he'll just take a peek. I said "Just like that? You'd do an ultrasound? Doesn't it cost a lot more?" Amazingly, he says he gives free ultrasounds. We could look at baby every time if I want. The only one that costs is the 20 week. I definitely like him now. Nurse goes to get ultrasound machine.

Boys are excited. Boys want to see "baby sister." How disappointed they'll be if it's a boy! Doctor puts probe on my tummy and turns machine on. Boys look. Boys ask where is baby? Nurse distracts them with blow up glove balloons while doctor and I look. The screen is fuzzy. I don't see a baby. I see the uterus. I see a blob. I can't make out blob. This is taking a long time. A lot longer than it should. I look at doctor. He looks concerned. I look at screen. He points out my heartbeat. He turns on the colors. He looks at me. I get nervous. I look at him. I said "It's not good is it?" He says, "No....(pause)... I'm sorry.... (pause).... I can't see the heartbeat." I start to cry. My belly is shaking. I try to stay still. His face is worried, his words are soft and compassionate. I say, "He's gone?" He says, "I think so. I can see where the fetal pole would be but there is no heartbeat." He says we can try again in a week, sometimes he's seen this then later seen a heartbeat. I said, "What are my chances of that? Honestly?" He says, "I'm sorry. Not very good. The baby is not near as big as it should be at ten weeks." He puts his hand on my leg. He says he is sorry. I cry. The boys ask "Where's the baby? We want to see the baby." I tell them.I tell them the baby stopped growing. The baby died in my tummy. Even Elijah catches on. He's 19 months. He says "Momma sad?" I say yes, Momma sad. The doctor turns the machine off. I ask him if I should still take my progesterone that night. He says no. He believes it is over. He says to talk to my husband and decide what we want to do. He is so very sorry. He says to call him. He will call me back and personally talk to me. I tell him I will. He again squeezes my shoulder and apologizes. He leaves. I am left to herd the boys out the door. I am left to get them safely to the van, to the store, to home. Just I am left.

March 3rd: Today. Today I write. Today I think. Today I process. I don't understand.Yes I know chromosomally, things can go wrong (yes that's a word I just said it.) But I did things right, I took all the right things, all the miscarriage preventers. And still. 5 pregnancies. 3 babies. 3 beautiful wonderful little boys. Not four. Unusual. Once you see a heartbeat the chances of miscarriage decrease significantly. I called the doctor back today. My husband wants to see the ultrasound. He still has a grain of hope that maybe it was a fluke. Now we wait. We wait for the appointment Friday. We wait for the miscarriage. We wait to schedule a D&C if necessary. We wait for me to regulate again, we wait for cycles to come and go, and we wait to try again. And mostly, we wait for the pain to lessen and the healing to begin. We wait.

I'll continue in a few days about my beautiful blessings and their growing, but now, I've exhausted all I have. I just had to get that out. Time to wait.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey. You'll never know dear how much I love you, until my sunshine you're taken away."