Monday was the day the world changed.
Tuesday: I call my primary care doctor. I talk to her second in command, physician's attendant or something like that. I tell her about Monday. I ask her if they perform D&Cs. I explain I'd prefer to go there, close to home, with the lady doctors I have grown to trust. She is very nice. Very understanding. Very agreeable. She asks me to call her back Friday after my appointment and let her know what we found out.
Later that day I start concerning myself with HCG levels. I wonder if it is in my best interest to go ahead and get one done so Friday we will have a base line to compare it too. I call back. I speak to a nurse this time. She tells me she will check with my doctor and call back. Hours later she does. She tells me that my doctor isn't comfortable ordering the test because I have not been to the office, I have been 'seeing other doctors' and they just 'don't know enough about my situation to help out.' Ummm...what??!! Shock. Blown away. Shouldn't be. I already know their communication has been terrible. I ask the nurse if she knows why I want my HCG. She doesn't. I tell her to watch the numbers to go down, because I did not have a heartbeat. She says Oh. She understands now. But she stands firm. She says my doctor doesn't feel comfortable. MY Doctor. The one who I went to months ago about even trying to get pregnant. The one who took my blood in those early weeks and said "Congratulations you're pregnant." The same doctor who knew I'd be gone for a couple weeks. Also, the same doctor who recommended I go see someone else for trying to conceive (which just so happened to be the doctor who took Monday's ultrasound because all those months ago I forgot to cancel that appointment and went anyway.) It would appear as though my doctor is offended I saw one, ONE other doctor. Frustrating.
So now it's Tuesday and I sit around waiting for Friday because I have no other choice and obviously my own doctor's office isn't going to help me. Friends call. Family calls. I ignore half of them and cut it short with the other half. I'm sorry. I really am. But if one more person asks me how I'm doing. How do you think I'm doing? I can't answer that. If I do it won't be a good answer and if I can't answer, it's because I literally can't answer because when I start to think about it my eyes well up with tears. I know you want to help. I get that. But for now I just wait. I sit. I wait. You want to help? you want to talk? Then pray.
While I'm desperately trying to talk to my own doctor, guess who calls? My new doctor. My male doctor from Monday. He calls personally. Twice. Twice. To see if I'm okay. To discuss questions. To formulate a plan. I told you last time that I liked him. This verifies.
Wednesday: The goal of today is to get through it, get a nap in, and go to work in the evening because I am already scheduled. This plan mostly works. The nurse calls from the naprotechnologist's office to let me know she received my ultrasound results from 6 weeks and 4 days. Nothing from that ultrasound triggers read flags for the future impending doom. Except, as she was about to hang up she said, "Did you know you have a tilted (tipped, retro, inverted, heart shaped) uterus?" I told her yes but I hadn't thought about it for a while. She mentions if there's a septum in there it could be the cause to this. Even if this is not the case, it gets me thinking. I start by faxing the results to my new doctor so that he knows about this so we can discuss Friday. Also, for a D&C I started imagining him scraping the wrong way if everything is backward and that scared me so I figured I better let him know immediately.
My Uncle calls. My Grandma has terminal cancer. I knew that. We have planned a gathering in two more weekends. But she's not well. She's going downhill. The cancer has possibly spread to her brain. Things are changing quickly. I have to make sure I can get out there. How do I plan this when I don't know what will happen with myself? How do I contemplate two possible losses? Sorry my friends who keep asking if I want to talk. But I can't. So I write. And you read.
Thursday: Today I'm just frustrated and mad. I start researching. I think about my tilted uterus and decide to research. Lo and Behold I find a tiny bit of hope. Now, let me prep you by letting you know that I 1. Believe in miracles but 2. Am not holding my breath and 3. Am prepared for the very worst. But... false miscarriages are abundant due to tipped uterus and the baby or heartbeat hiding where the ultrasound cannot find. By 11 to 12 weeks a tipped uterus will usually straighten itself out as the weight and size pull it forward. Gullible naive little me didn't even know that false miscarriages exist. I mean, it makes a lot of sense to me now but it was never a thought in my world until today. Which brings me to my frustration. If there's a tiny itty bitty chance or spark of hope, I do not want to line up a D&C next week without being 110% positive I will not be hurting a living baby. How do I get my 110%? The obvious answer is just wait it out. If only it were that simple. Besides the impatience, lost time, life to live, etc. (all not the greatest reasons granted), the biggest worry is sit and wait for an infection. But how do you know? A second opinion? Two ultrasounds? Three? HCG? So now, here I had it all planned out and the 1 in a million stories are giving me second thoughts. I know, 1 in a million, but still...there's 1. I can't even think further right now until after the appointment tomorrow. My husband never saw the first ultrasound. He only has hope to go on. So he had me take a progesterone injection tonight. Because what if? The worst thing in the world would be to lose the baby because we thought we were going to lose the baby! So I did. I injected. Hardest one ever for so many reasons. I had trouble getting the guts to stab myself since I wasn't in the routine. I had to move it twice before closing my eyes and literally stabbing it in. Also, emotionally I am doing this for a baby that I have been told is not there. This makes me seem like a crazy person, especially when you take into account the amount of discomfort and pain that will follow the next three days with this shot. But I haven't had any bleeding. None. Cramping...well...maybe? Maybe phantom cramps. I think I have tiny little cramps and maybe just because I think I'm supposed too. Might be something else. I don't really know. I thought bleeding comes before cramping, which also makes me think it's in my head. But point being, had I not went to that appointment, I would still have every reason to believe I'm just as pregnant as I was the week before. This is frustrating.
I just want clarity. Wisdom. Let your yeses be yes and your nos be nos. Hot or cold but lukewarm I spew out of my mouth. Etc. etc. etc. Either show me a heartbeat or start the process body. I don't want to wait 2, 4, 6 weeks. I don't want to go through it but if it's going to happen, I just want it to be done.
So here I am waiting. For clarity. For wisdom. Just waiting. Dear Lord please show me.
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